It was just a few months ago, I was mentally gearing up, financially planning, and considering my schedule so that I could go back to school and finish a degree. I was also daydreaming about the staycation I wanted to have in a downtown Dallas hotel for my upcoming birthday; to luxuriate in room service and spa services for a weekend. Though in the background over the last few months, this nagging health issue has been and still pervades.
Life comes at you fast. If you follow my instagram stories, then you have some inkling. I recently disclosed why I have been so absent on all social media, and frankly absent from my life. Needless to say, I ended up in urgent care, then the hospital for a week. I had a procedure; I left with a diagnosis; it was all very traumatizing. And only the beginning.
I went back to work for a couple of days. And then I could not walk. I could not walk! I could not walk for a week. I had to borrow a wheelchair. I had to go upstairs on my butt and push off my triceps to get to bed at night. My ankles, knees, elbows, ears…my ears? (wtf) swelled up. I also broke out into a red rash all over my body. I thought I was having an allergic reaction to the steroids and antibiotics so I stopped everything cold turkey, then promptly went back to the hospital for another week.
At this point, I had three different types of doctors convening in my room over the course of the week trying to figure out what the hell was going on. The skin biopsy results were fine, only proving that everything was a direct result of the first diagnosis, an inflammatory autoimmune disease. It was so bad when I first went to the hospital that my body was still dealing with inflammation everywhere. ‘Stay the course on the steroids.’ It’s mainly genetic, but they have no idea; the doctor assures me I did nothing to bring this on myself.
The course of steroids is ending in a couple of weeks, thank god, because they are nothing you want to be on for any length of time. Only now, the prescribed medicine for my condition is a syringe I have to inject into myself. It is THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of dollars, on top of my medical bills. Yes, I’m filing for financial aid through the manufacturer.
I have follow-up appointments and dietary protocols and medicines and this whole new life I will be trying to navigate and mold into some new normal. It’s wild. It’s scary. It’s so much I’m still trying to process.
I haven’t worked out in about three months, so I’ve lost a lot of weight I couldn’t afford to lose; it’s mostly muscle mass. So there’s good eating to look forward to. The food in the hospital was awful, but the view from my room was almost this exact shot to the one pictured. (image from D Magazine) These weeks were not the staycation I had in mind.
To rub some salt in the wound, I needed an updated copy of my lease for this financial paperwork and my landlord thought it a great time to request my rent be raised $400/month. I…I just…cannot. The truth is, I’ve lived in my townhome for seven years and I’ve wanted to move for a while. I am looking at a new place tomorrow after work.
I’m keeping my spirits up because many great changes have also taken shape. I simply wasn’t anticipating needing to make ALL of the changes at once. But things are speeding up; the world is speeding up. We all have to keep pace. I have a new fire under my ass.
The body is so wild and wonderful and crazy and miraculous and absurd and uncontrollable, and I have to take every day as it comes right now. I don’t plan on writing many of these personal posts but for paying subscribers. I just thought it fair to update all on why I’ve been missing and silent on my blog and checked out of life, basically. Regularly scheduled programming will resume with my short story ambitions.
If you are so inclined to become a paying subscriber, now couldn’t be a better time. I would be so appreciative. Donations can be made via my PayPal brocka121@yahoo.com
Thank you for your patience with me.
The news you just relayed is more than I was ready for I must say. And my first thought was whether you are doing it all by yourself or have family and friends helping with logistics first of all and helping bring calm and resources in addition.
No I'm not asking for you to to divulge any of these private and personal matters. But I will say that when you feel like you have gotten to know someone via social media, you really haven't except for a rare few.
You are one of the rare few that are just steady as you go. No way to really explain my view outside of picturing you as stoically well tended to and tasteful in a minimalist sort of way.
I think you are very genuine and generous with those that have become your circle.
With that I'll stop as this could easily turn into my raising you to a slender pedestal. I do thank you for your frankness in laying out a road of unknowns that are becoming more concise and clear.
Crazy as it may seem, you have inspired me to action in areas of dread. Something about you brings it all back home in the face of the highest challenges.